How I became a recovering control freak

Turns out, putting things down is how I make room for more money.

If you read my last email, I told you about one of the biggest realizations I've had this year: for most of my life, I carried a belief that I couldn't fully trust or rely on other people. So I developed a pretty effective protection strategy: I'll do everything myself. And I got REALLY good at it.

But this year I've been learning how to put it down.

One of the biggest shifts started with something incredibly mundane: I hired a gardener.

A gardener had been on my dream list for the year, but the money wasn't really there yet. Then someone asked me, "How much do you charge per hour?" "$497." "How much does a gardener cost?" I had no idea.

So I made a call. Weekly service would cost about $200 a month. Holy shit. Could I put more into my business if I wasn't spending my time doing yard work? Could buying back that time allow me to make that $200 back every month and then some? 100%.

So I did it before the money completely made sense.

First, our yard needed a massive cleanup after the winter. I had been slowly chipping away at it myself, but it was going to take me forever. The cleanup cost $800. Three guys showed up and spent almost an entire day working on our yard.

It hit me: I had been trying to squeeze roughly 24 hours of labor into the cracks of my life.

But here's what surprised me even more. They did a much better job than I could have. They cleared overgrown ivy and tackled bushes I probably never would have touched. They had the knowledge, tools and experience to do in one day what would have taken me weeks. Our yard looked amazing.

And my nervous system got some powerful new evidence: I let go of control, trusted other people to carry something, and I got MORE. More freedom. More time. More mental capacity. And better results.

That's a pretty big lesson for someone whose nervous system had learned the exact opposite.

Because underneath being a "control freak" can be a belief that you can't trust other people to show up or get things done. If you learned that as a kid, being let down wasn't necessarily just disappointing. It could feel unsafe. So you adapted: I'll do it myself. I'll make sure nothing gets missed. I'll be the responsible one.

For me, that protection strategy also got tangled up with my identity as a "strong independent woman." I was raised to value being strong and independent, but my wound distorted what that meant. Strong and independent became: I don't need anyone. I can handle everything myself. I SHOULD be able to do it all.

Doing everything myself became proof that I was strong. Relying on someone else felt unsafe. I had confused independence with carrying everything alone.

And this year I've been untangling the two. I don't want to do everything myself. I want to be whole. I want to be interdependent. I want to be incredibly capable AND incredibly supported.

And I want to move like the woman who runs the $1 million+ business I'm building. That woman isn't doing everything herself. She can't. She has a team. She trusts talented people to do what they are great at so she has the capacity to do the work that actually requires HER.

She isn't proving how powerful she is by doing everything herself. She's powerful enough to know she shouldn't.

That's when I realized hiring the gardener wasn't really a budget decision. It was a vote for the person I needed to become.

And I kept following the thread: What else can I put down?

Sometimes that has meant hiring support before the money completely made sense. Sometimes it has meant delegating or letting someone do something differently than I would. Sometimes it has meant realizing the thing I'm carrying doesn't actually need to be done at all.

And sometimes it has meant simply stopping.

Because my old protection strategy wasn't just control. It was constant vigilance and action. Doing felt safe. Solving felt safe. Being productive felt safe. So I've practiced going for the walk, sitting outside, spending time with my family, cooking and resting. Being in my life instead of constantly managing it.

And THIS is where it all connects back to money.

I can say I want more abundance, more wealth, a bigger business, more impact and more freedom. But if my nervous system believes more = more for me to carry, why would it want more?

I can't keep asking for expansion while holding everything so tightly that there is no room to receive it.

Every time I put something down, I create a little more capacity for the life I'm actually asking for. More support. More money. More opportunities. More impact. More love. More fun.

Maybe strength was never supposed to mean I can carry everything. Maybe my next version of strength is knowing I don't have to.

So here's my challenge for you: What is ONE thing you're carrying right now that you could put down?

Delegate it. Hire someone. Ask for help. Let someone do it differently. Or decide it doesn't need to be done at all. Then notice what comes up.

Because you might think you're just hiring a gardener. But you might actually be teaching yourself that it's safe to receive more.

And if you want to join me in this work—noticing the patterns that have been running your life and learning how to choose something different—come join me in my group programs.

Disclaimer: I am an educator, not your personal financial advisor. Please make sure to do your own research before moving forward with any actions discussed in this blog post. 

Know that all investments involve some form of risk and there is no guarantee that you will be successful in making, saving, or investing money; nor is there any guarantee that you won't experience any loss when investing. Always remember to make smart decisions and do your own research!