I just had the BIGGEST realization

It is time to get really vulnerable. 

I finally saw the pattern connecting my marriage, my business

and my money.

Friday, my husband was getting ready for his first sports card show.

When Scott was a kid, he loved collecting and selling sports cards. Somewhere along the way, like so many of us do, he stopped allowing himself to do the things he loved. Then in January, as I started doing all of this work around alignment, dreams, and building a life that actually feels like mine, something shifted in him too.

He started collecting again. Then selling. Then he opened a business. And this weekend, he took another big leap: his first show with his own table.

Friday afternoon, he still had a TON to do, so I asked him how Bailey and I could help. We spent more than an hour running errands for him. Later, I sat on the couch with Bailey watching TV while I put price stickers on cards. Saturday morning, I made his breakfast and packed him a lunch before he left.

And I genuinely loved doing it.

Not because I was supposed to or because I'm his wife or because I felt guilty. I looked at this man I love taking a risk, stepping outside what is familiar, and pursuing something that lights him up, and I wanted to pour into him. I wanted him to know: We're a team. I've got you. Go do the scary thing.

And somewhere in the middle of all of this, I realized how radically different this is from the way I used to experience his need for help.

Because for most of our 18 years together, Scott needing something from me could trigger a loop that looked something like this:

You need me → now there is more on me → I already have to carry everything → I can't rely on anyone → I am alone → this is unfair → why do I have to do everything?

And then came the resentment. I handle my shit. Why can't you handle yours? Why does everyone need something from me? Why am I responsible for everything?

For years, I thought THAT was the problem.

It wasn't.

That was my protection strategy. The wound was underneath it.

Somewhere I learned that I couldn't fully trust or rely on the people. So my solution became: Then I won't need anyone. I'll be strong. I'll be independent. I'll take care of myself. I'll handle everything.

And damn, did I get good at it.

Except eventually that survival strategy created its own painful loop. I didn't trust other people to carry things, so I carried everything. Then I was overwhelmed because I was carrying everything. Then someone would need something from me and I would become resentful because, once again, I had to carry everything.

And that became more evidence: See? I really am alone. I really can't rely on anyone.

Holy shit.

My protection strategy was helping create the very experience I was trying to protect myself from. And I couldn't see it.

Then we had Bailey, and of course it got louder. Now there was another human being who genuinely needed me. A LOT. My nervous system was already operating from everyone needs something from me and I can't rely on anyone else. Add motherhood to that and you can imagine what happened.

For years, I thought Scott was the problem. I couldn't see that his asks were pushing directly against one of my deepest wounds: I can't trust anyone. I have to do everything myself.

So when he needed me, my body didn't simply hear, My husband needs some help. It heard, There it is again. You are on your own.

And my protector responded exactly the way it had learned to respond: Fine. I'll fucking do it. Followed almost immediately by: WHY DO I HAVE TO FUCKING DO EVERYTHING?!

This is why the work we've been doing around patterns matters so much.

Because your behavior makes sense. Your reactions make sense. Your money patterns make sense. Your relationship patterns make sense. But you have to get underneath the behavior to understand what your system is actually trying to protect.

I've been healing for the last three years, and I couldn't have articulated all of this then. I just knew I was overwhelmed. I knew I was resentful. I knew I blamed Scott. I knew I felt like a victim sometimes.

Slowly, I've worked on the pieces underneath it: trust, receiving, control, overwhelm, blame, my identity as the "strong independent woman," allowing people to support me, and self-belonging.

And yesterday I got to experience the result.

The circumstance was almost exactly the same: my husband needed me.

But this time, my wound wasn't driving the car.

I could actually see him. Not as another person taking from me. Not as proof that I was alone. Not as someone who couldn't "handle his shit." I saw my husband. The man I love. Doing something brave. Taking a risk. Following something that has brought him joy since he was a little boy.

And I wanted to help.

One of the most powerful realizations I've had through all of this is: The more deeply I belong to myself, the less I need Scott's behavior to prove that I'm safe. And the less I need him to prove that I'm safe, the more clearly I can actually see him instead of seeing him through the lens of my wounds.

I don't think healing created more love for my husband.

I think healing removed some of what was standing between my love and its expression.

And you better believe this wound hasn't only been showing up in my marriage. It's been showing up in my money and my business too.

If some part of me believes I have to do everything myself and I can't rely on anyone, what do you think happens when I tell my nervous system I want a bigger business, more clients, more visibility, more money and more impact?

It hears: MORE TO CARRY. No fucking way.

I can consciously want the bigger business while unconsciously putting the brakes on the very success I'm working so hard to create.

And THIS is why I believe this work matters so much. Sometimes changing your money doesn't look like building a better budget or figuring out how to make more money. Sometimes it means finding the pattern underneath everything that has quietly been deciding how much you're willing to hold, receive, risk, trust and grow.

And maybe there is something in here for you too.

Think about the behavior or reaction you keep having that you wish you could change. Maybe it's with money. Maybe it's your partner, your kids, or your business. Maybe you avoid, control, overspend, shut down, get angry, people please, or take everything on yourself.

Instead of starting with, What's wrong with me? try asking: What if this behavior isn't the wound? What if it's the protection?

What does your system believe would happen if you stopped doing it? What feeling is it trying desperately to keep you from experiencing? And where did you learn that feeling wasn't safe?

Because sometimes the thing you've spent years trying to stop doing isn't actually the problem. It's the solution a younger version of you created for a problem you couldn't name yet.

And when you finally find the wound underneath it, you don't have to fight the protector anymore. You can finally understand why it showed up. And then you get to decide whether you still need it.

I didn't need mine yesterday.

Instead, I got to make my husband's breakfast, pack his lunch, kiss him goodbye, and watch him leave to go chase one of his dreams.

And genuinely think: Go get 'em, babe. I've got you.

That is healing I can feel.

And this is the work we're doing inside my group programs. Because everything is connected. Money is often just the light shining on the deeper patterns underneath it.

If you're ready to understand your patterns and start changing them, click here to learn more.

Disclaimer: I am an educator, not your personal financial advisor. Please make sure to do your own research before moving forward with any actions discussed in this blog post. 

Know that all investments involve some form of risk and there is no guarantee that you will be successful in making, saving, or investing money; nor is there any guarantee that you won't experience any loss when investing. Always remember to make smart decisions and do your own research!