Why is this STILL so hard?

Sometimes the thing standing between you and your biggest dream is the strategy that once kept you safe.

I had an incredibly powerful coaching call with a client this weekend.

She came into the call frustrated with herself. She owns a business and has a team, but she was struggling to give feedback, set expectations and hold people accountable. She told me, “I feel like a doormat.”

Why does giving an employee feedback feel so uncomfortable? Why does asking someone to do what she is literally paying them to do feel so hard? Why, after all the work she has done on herself, does she keep coming back to this same struggle? Or, in her words: “Why is this still so hard?”

She thought it was a worthiness issue.

I didn't.

So I started asking questions. Where did she learn that taking up space, using her voice, upsetting someone or being in charge wasn't safe?

Then we went digging. I asked her to tell me about her childhood. I asked questions. I prodded. I listened for the patterns and started making connections between what she experienced as a little girl and what was happening in her business today.

As a child, she learned to stay small. There was conflict around her. There were things happening that she couldn't control. She became incredibly good at keeping the peace, making other people happy and not creating more problems. Those strategies served her. They helped a little girl navigate situations she didn't have the power or resources to change.

But she's not that little girl anymore. She's a grown woman running a business.

The problem is, those old safety patterns are still running the show.

Holding her employees accountable requires her to do the exact things she learned were unsafe as a child. Think about it. Leading a team requires you to speak up. To risk upsetting someone. To tell someone they aren't meeting your expectations. To hold a boundary even when someone doesn't like it.

All of the things her nervous system learned not to do.

So when she goes to lead her team, her nervous system launches a full-on assault. It is trying to pull her back toward the behaviors it learned would keep her safe: stay small, keep the peace, don't upset anyone, don't create conflict.

This is why it is so hard.

It isn't because she doesn't know how to lead. It isn't because she needs to try harder or read another book about managing employees. She is trying to do something that directly conflicts with the safety patterns she has carried since childhood.

So if she wants to realize her dream of owning a multimillion-dollar business, she has to heal this.

Because a woman leading a multimillion-dollar business has to make waves. She has to make decisions people don't like. She has to have uncomfortable conversations. She has to hold people accountable. She has to take up space. She has to use her voice. She has to lead even when someone is disappointed, frustrated or angry with her.

And right now, the little girl inside of her who learned that those things were dangerous is still trying desperately to keep her safe.

She can keep pushing, and because she is incredibly strong and driven, she will probably keep moving forward. But she will be dragging an anchor the entire way. At some point, you have to stop trying to pull harder and turn around and deal with the anchor.

She asked me, “What do I do? What's my next move?”

My answer was therapy. Every week.

I encouraged her to get an EMDR therapist and really commit to doing the deeper healing work. Because right now she is getting trapped in the same cyclone week after week, and it is consuming five or more hours of her time every single week. Five hours of thinking about it, agonizing over it, preparing for conversations, replaying conversations and trying to manage everything that comes up inside of her.

Imagine what becomes possible when that isn't so damn hard anymore.

This is the work now. Turn around and face the pain of the past. Feel the grief you weren't able to feel then. Thank the strategies you developed because they did exactly what they were supposed to do: they kept you safe.

And then heal so you don't need them to keep protecting you anymore.

Because you aren't that little girl anymore. And the woman you are becoming needs to be able to make waves.

It's time to put down the anchor.

Want to be in the room for conversations like this?

My 8-Day Money Upgrade starts August 24. For 8 days, I'm going live to help you uncover what's actually keeping you stuck with money—and coach you through the patterns that another budget, money tip or strategy isn't going to fix.

If you're ready to stop dragging your own anchors, come join me.

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Disclaimer: I am an educator, not your personal financial advisor. Please make sure to do your own research before moving forward with any actions discussed in this blog post. 

Know that all investments involve some form of risk and there is no guarantee that you will be successful in making, saving, or investing money; nor is there any guarantee that you won't experience any loss when investing. Always remember to make smart decisions and do your own research!